All right, contestants, we polled 100 derelicts and asked them:
"If the government actually made you work...
... what job would you least like to have?"
- Shoe salesman? - Number one answer!
And I might add, the answer given by all 100 people.
Yeah, certainly "game-show host" must have got one vote.
Dad, you got a minute?
For you, Bud? No.
I'm not Bud. Now, how many times do I have to tell you?
When the hat is on, I'm street rapper "Grand Master B."
When it's off, I'm Bud.
Got it? Now...
...the hat is on. Who am I?
Mommy's second little joke on me?
The Grand Master is not amused.
Now, listen, Dad, I need 20 bucks for a pizza.
I need you to leave it on the table...
...so I can pretend to steal it in front of the girl.
Because, after all, I am an outlaw.
Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper.
That's Grand Master, you fool.
Gas-passer, Bass-haster, what's the difference?
All right, look...
...I'm gonna have to communicate with you in the language of the street.
Yo, I'm broke.
Now put your little hat on sideways and boo-boo away.
The Grand Master will not forget this.
One day these kids are gonna learn the value of a dollar.
Daddy, can I have $1000?
Well, sure, pumpkin. Get it from Bud, I just gave him a million.
Yep, that's the story of my life, a dollar short and a week late.
Oh, please, Daddy.
It's for something really important. I need a gown.
Now, as you know, I am a model.
And for the past few months, I've been proudly reigning as Miss Weenie Tot.
But I've decided that it's time to move up...
...so I am going for the coveted title of Miss Cheese.
How proud can a father be?
Miss Cheese is no joke, Daddy.
I could lord it over all those other snotty cheeses.
Miss Swiss, Miss Gouda...
...and that haughty Miss Individually-Wrapped American...
...who thinks her cheese doesn't stink.
Oh, please, Daddy, it's only $1000.
Well, pumpkin, why can't you wear one of your gowns from Miss Weenie Tot?
Because they all smell like pork and old men's hands.
I'm sorry, honey, but as you know, your mother's pregnant.
We have to put our money aside for the things that pregnant women need.
- Where is Mom? - She's at the beauty parlor...
...having her stomach wrapped in mud.
Who wants to be the first to see their reflection in my shiny belly?
Mom, Dad won't give me $1000 for a gown.
Al, is this true?
Well, I'm sorry, Peg. I saw some underwear I had to have.
It's not true, Mom, he just gave Bud a million.
Be gone, cement booties.
Fine. Then I shall get it on my own.
And I shall be cheese queen, this I vow.
Honey, I agree with you about not giving the kids money.
I didn't want to say anything.
There's no sense in them hating both of us.
Anyway, I need money. I have to go to the doctor.
For what?
I'm pregnant, you Zagnut.
- And I want you to come with me. - Why? I never came with you before.
Now, don't get me started on that. I'm talking about the doctor.
I don't want to be the only woman there alone.
People stare at me and I wonder what they're thinking.
If you're with me, at least I know what they're thinking:
"Why didn't that poor woman come alone?"
Peg, you can sweet-talk me all you want...
...but I'm not sitting among a bunch of fetus condos in overalls.
All right, I'll just have to think of someone other than you...
...to be the father of my baby.
Well, why didn't you think of that five months ago?
Honey, I was worried that if the baby showed any signs of promise...
...you'd get suspicious.
Now, come on, help me think.
Who can I get to play the part of the father of my baby?
Mom...
...I'm glad you're here.
Who am I?
- My husband. - What?
Stay tuned for our after-school special...
...I Drink Because My Dad's a Shoe Salesman.
Good one.
Hi, Daddy.
Listen, I'm preparing for my beauty contest.
So ask me to name six types of cheese.
Oh, okay. Name six types of cheese.
Good, pumpkin.
Sweetie...
Honey, you know, I'm really sorry...
...I couldn't buy you that thousand-dollar gown...
...but as you know I'm...
A failure, Daddy?
I know. But it's okay.
Because I got a night job, earned $1000...
...and I bought the gown myself.
Now wait a second.
My pretty teenage daughter...
...with the brain of a fruit fly...
...earned $1000 in three nights.
Should I be worried?
Okay, we're ready to go to the doctor.
Come on, Bud, show Daddy how nice you look.
I know that face. Why, it's Grandfather B.
It's funny, I always thought wingtips and a fedora...
...would make me look cool.
Imagine my surprise.
Hey, where'd you get the fake, greasy moustache?
I shaved your back.
Come on, let's go, sweetheart.
Dad, please don't make me do this.
Peg, I will not let you do this to the boy.
Mind your own business, Al.
So long, son.
Hi, Al.
I snuck in because if anyone saw me coming in here in broad daylight...
...I'd just die.
Anyway, I need some advice.
Well, throw a wig on it until it grows to a woman's length.
Well, can't I just grow one really long hair...
...and wrap it around my entire head like you?
Come on, Al, I need some advice.
Jefferson's been staying out really late the last few nights...
...and coming home smelling like cigarettes and exotic beers.
Where is he, Al? Where does he go?
Probably, if he's coming home to you, a bar with really ugly women.
Well, I know he has a wandering eye.
I've seen him watching the Madonna videos...
...and I can tell he just wants to put on a pointy bra and vogue.
But I can't understand why he has to leave for a good time...
...just because I'm pregnant.
I mean, there are a lot of men who still find me quite attractive.
Well, they do.
Especially now that I have the big bazooms.
Yeah, I only pray one of those monsters doesn't fall on the baby.
Oh, God, I'm losing my husband.
Well, probably.
Since you're a single mother now, you have a lot of time on your hands.
I tell you what, why don't you help me. Listen...
...how could a pretty, teenage, not-so-bright girl...
...earn $1000 in three nights?
Well, let's see.
Either as an opening act for MC Hammer...
...or perhaps by spanking elderly gentlemen...
...in a tight black leather outfit. - Hey, now.
Now, I know my little girl.
If she was doing something immoral, a father would know about it.
Daddy, I'm going out now and I'll be home by dawn. Okay?
Goodbye, pumpkin.
You see, a father has a sixth sense about these things.
Sort of a second eye, if you will.
Hello.
No, Kelly's out.
Yeah, I'll take a message.
You have the money...
...and you can't wait to see if she's as good as the guys say she is.
And you'll meet her where?
Well, perhaps I'll see you there.
Don't do anything hasty, Al.
I'm calm. I'm calm.
I'm sure there's a rational explanation behind this...
...and I'll get to the bottom of it calmly and rationally.
Do you believe what that girl can do with her hands?
You gonna try her next?
Not me. I'm happy just watching.
Nice game, chump.
Well, I guess my daughter didn't really need braces.
All right, who's the next victim?
Well, looks like no takers, Kelly.
Might as well take a break until your next match gets here.
Hey, thanks for backing me for only 80 percent of the profit, Mr. Darcy.
Hey, if I as an adult can't help out our young people...
...then am I not a part of the problem?
Hey, mister, you wanna buy a car stereo?
Find me a Blaupunkt and we'll talk.
You gotta give something back.
Well, if you need me, I'll be over there...
...recalibrating the angles for my bank shots.
You know, cushions are a little bit dead to the sides.
- Actually, I have to go wee-wee. - Okay.
I'll bet there's no one dumb enough to get suckered in by her now.
I don't know, that guy who just walked in looks awful stupid.
Where's my pumpkin?
Hey, you guys. Have you seen a cute little blond-haired girl?
Yeah. She just finished off some guy.
If you want a piece of her action, go see her manager.
That guy over there.
Oh, hi, Al. Man, you should see your daughter hustle...
Say goodnight, Superfly.
Hi, Daddy. What's new?
Stand back, pumpkin. He's just about to pop...
...and I don't want teeth and eyes all over you.
But Daddy, it's not Mr. Darcy's fault.
It was my idea to hustle pool.
Why didn't you tell me that's what you were doing?
You said you didn't like me hanging out in these places.
Well, sweetheart, you were only 5 then.
Well, Jefferson, looks like I owe you an apology.
Here, let me help you up.
There now. Here. All right.
No harm, no foul. Friends, huh?
Honey, this place is a little unsavory for you. What say we go in a bar...
...and we get Dad a beer and girlie magazine and straight home.
Well, I have another match coming.
- Daddy, I can't lose. - Honey, it matters not.
When it comes to my girl there are some things more important.
I've got $10,000 that says I can beat any girl in the house.
I think we can handle that...
What's that you say, Jefferson?
I should handle it? You're covered.
I'm Slick Stick Jackson. Who are you?
Who am I? Why, I'm Al...
What's a cool nickname for me?
I'm Al "Daddy" Bundy.
Where's your money, Daddy?
What are you, my wife?
I'll get that money if I have to dance naked in the street.
Daddy.
- Sailors are the best tippers. - Thank you.
Hey, blondie...
...and "Action Jackson" over there...
...where's Daddy? - Strip-search me.
Let's shoot pool, fat man.
Hey, Al, can I get you a chair or a coffin or something?
Daddy, you look so pale.
That's because I've been all over town...
...selling pints of blood to nine blood banks.
Al, the human body only holds eight pints.
Well, that's what they say.
But the brain hides some.
So you see, Mr. Koppel, I'm a living example...
...of how the brain really doesn't need blood to work.
Oh, the pretty colors.
So I'll take that 150 and bet it against...
Hey, everything looks like noodles in here!
Don't worry, Daddy.
As God is my witness, you will have blood again.
Thank you, Jefferson.
Seven ball.
Double kiss.
Oh, did I win again?
Good girl, pumpkin.
Hey, umpire, he's got a horse in his pocket.
Now, I need a ruling.
Well, you seem to be doing a lot better, Al.
You stopped air-guitaring "It's A Small World."
Must be the beer.
The brain doesn't need blood, just gotta keep the brain wet.
What's going on?
Well, you were up five grand and we could have quit, but you said:
"Damn a unified Germany. Play on."
So now if Kelly makes this shot, you win $10,000.
Well, seem like I do what I was knowing then, hey, white boy?
Now I gotta give my pumpkin a little pep talk.
Al...
Pumpkin?
What, Daddy?
Well, I was saying, I'm proud of you, pumpkin.
You're succeeding.
I tried to succeed, but failure was in my blood.
Guess I don't have to worry about that anymore, huh?
What I'm trying to say is that the fate...
...of not only King Charles...
...but the entire Restoration, lies on this shot.
This tape will self-destruct in five seconds.
As I was saying, pumpkin...
...it's very important that you make this shot.
It's very, very important.
I made the shot, Daddy.
Yes!
We're rich. We've got $10,000. Where's the money?
Well, a goat ate it, Dad.
A pink one? Head like George Washington?
Yep, that's the one.
I know that goat.
I didn't trust him when he took my beer.
I know where he lives. Come on, pumpkin.
Come on. I'll hold him down, you take his wallet.